


We're Just Beginning

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Cheating, F/F, F/M, FUCK, High School, I only planed chapter one and two, M/M, Nobody is Dead, Prom, Social Anxiety, connor is gay, evan is bi, so is Zoe, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-07 14:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15221048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Evan walks in on his girlfriend, Zoe, kissing another girl, Alana, a month before prom.Everything goes downhill from there.





	1. Connor Goes Shopping.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! My first story on here that I actually kinda planed? All my other stories I deleted because they were shit. 
> 
> Some things to know first:
> 
> \- Zoe and Connor don't actually hate each other and they're friends.
> 
> \- Jared isn't a asshole.
> 
> That's pretty much it? I don't want to spoil anything.   
> But this chapter of pretty heavy for a first chapter? Well sorry.

**“Oh, I’m afraid, of the things inside my brain.”**  
**-Dodie Clark**

**• • •**

 

 It was silent. Well, no that's wrong. There was still the air blowing in and out of Connor’s window. There was still the muffled sound of people talking on the teevee downstairs. There were Zoe and Evan stomping there way up the stairs. There was Cynthia putting away dishes in the kitchen. Everything seemed to be silent. But there was still small noises that could be heard by Connor.

 

 Connor was one to be quiet. Even though he was one to stand out because of the way he dressed, and because of the bad vibe he gives off. People made fun. People talk. But really, he stopped caring about the comments on his outfit, and the remarks about his hair. He had no reason to feel.

 

 The sound of the air, the sound to the TeeVee, the sound of Zoe and Evan, the sound of dishes being put away. It all seemed so normal. But overall the loudest was Connor's thoughts. The ones that told him today was the day. To maybe attempt. Maybe it would work this time around. But really, he can't attempt no matter how hard he tries. He’ll be called out before it happens, he’ll be found right after it happens, he’ll be talked out of it by Zoe.

 

 Connor had been laying in bed for hours. He heard Zoe leave with her boyfriend, Evan, around ten. They probably went shopping then to get lunch. Zoe had told Connor she forces Evan to go shopping and he doesn't complain. He's a good boyfriend.

 

 The door swings open and Zoe yells, “Wake up asshat! I brought you a cookie! Well, Evan paid for it, so thank him. But wake up!” Connor groaned and sat up. Pushing his hair behind his ears. He felt eyes linger on his marked-up arms. Some from years ago, they're white now. Some of them scabbing over because Connor doesn't take care of himself. When he looked over at Zoe all he saw the way the midday lighting shining on her and Evan’s faces. It made Zoe look somewhat younger (she had always looked older. Could get beers at a gas station without getting asked for an ID. If she really wanted to), and Evan’s freckles from the sun more prominent on his tan skin. (From his job this summer.)

 

 Zoe smiled and threw the bag with the cookie at him. He did even make an effort to catch it and let it hit his bed. He opened the small bag to a warm chocolate-chip cookie. “Wanna go to Old Navy with Me and Evan to see if they have anything that I can actually wear to prom?” Zoe still has this small smile that only looks full of pity. Like she's being cautious.

 

 “Ha. That's a dumb idea but sure.” Right, the middle of the school year. The time where everyone in their last year is stressing about what college they'll get into and how to get into it. Connor applied to a few schools to make Cynthia actually happy about something he did for once. He hopes he gets to one. He might seem like he doesn't get good grades but he’s actually pretty smart and has been doing well since he started high school. But for the parts he skips class he has Alana give him her notes.

 

 “Uh, maybe we could still try,” Evan mumbles. Zoe makes her way across the room and sits down in a spinny office chair. Connor looks up at Evan. He cracks a smile at Connor and Connor stares at him blankly. He looks back at Zoe. He can hear Evan take a loud deep breath, and shift where he’s standing. “The mall seems nice to?” Zoe nods.

 

 “But it has four stores since mall’s suck.”

 

 “Or we could do nothing. Fuck dressing up for the fourth. Also, you're shit at being sarcastic,” He muses. Zoe’s eyes land on Evan and she frowns. Evan was fucking nodding. “See, Evan thinks I’m right.” Zoe rolls her eyes and stands up.

 

“I’m going to the bathroom. Evan feels free to mess his shit up in his room.” Evan laughs softly and looks at this shoes. There’s an awkward silence the fills the room. Evan moving from the tips of his toes to the balls of his feet. Back and forth. Connor shoves his hair behind his ear again. Evan sits down in the chair Zoe was sitting in and Connor’s eyes snap up toward him. Evan clenches his jaw and makes eye contact with Connor.

 

 “I’ve never been such a fucking awkward moment. Damn.” Evan laughs softly again, it's short and bouncy. If that makes sense. It does to Connor.

 

 “Well, It's been worse for me,” He starts. Connor looks at him, like he challenging Evan. “When...when I asked Zoe out I was worried my hands were too sweaty so I put them–I put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom. It didn't help–at all. It made them warm and sweaty,” He rambles. His voice is still soft. He seems to think he has to whisper or he’s just quite. Connor snorts and Evan grins. He stops laughing and looks at Evan and everything is quiet again. But the same small noises can be heard. Evan’s face is flushed a bright red in embarrassment from his horrible story.

 

 “Y’know,” Connor starts standing up from his bed, his hair falling on his face again. He pushes it behind his ear, frustrated, “You and Zoe are actually kinda cute. And I should hate you since she’s my shit little sister. But you're cool…I guess.” Evan scratches his neck and thanks him quietly.

“I’m back you pieces of shit.” She looks at Evan. He has a worried look on his face and Zoe laughs awkwardly. “Nah, Evan you're not one. Just Connor.” She runs her hand through her hair, the side with no star clips in them. “Connor you should really get up though.” Connor pierces his lips then walks to his dresser. He’s wearing several layers like always. He never changes out of his several layers.

“It's hot outside, so maybe no sweatshirt?” She points to the desk that has a grey drawstring sweatshirt thrown on it. Connor's black on was old and had a huge rip on the armpit, Zoe bought him a new one for Christmas. He shrugs and opens a drawer–that he has to shake a little to open all the way. He pulls out a place t-shirt than a jean jacket that had its sleeves torn off. He looks at Zoe for approval and she nods. He grabs jeans and leaves Zoe and Evan in his room while he goes to change.

 

**__________**

 

 Connor sits in the driver's seat being told where to turn next, while Evan is in the back seat freaking out everytime they do turn. Zoe laughs and turns on the radio. “Driver gets to pick,” Connor says before she can plug her phone in. She frowns and hands him the aux cord. He smiles at her.

 

 He plugs in his phone and it starts to play different songs and Zoe laughs when Evan says something along the lines of, “I thought you were more into MCR? I’m so weirded out. Sorry.” But Zoe starts to sing because Connor’s music taste is all songs that are not from the twenty-first century. And it's not that bad.

 

 She turns back to Evan and says, “Join in! We don't judge.” Evan smiles weakly and Zoe keeps singing at the top of her lungs, and of course, it isn't bad either. David Bowie comes on and Zoe yells, “Fuck yeah!” Connor taps his fingers in the steering wheel while Zoe sings Heroes and Evan eventually starts singing as well.

 

 And damn. Evan can sing.

 

 They pull up to the Old Navy that Zoe wanted to go to so badly and the only thing she gets is a necklace and earrings. She smiles at Connor after she gets them back in the white bag with the logo on it. Connor pulls out four quarters and she laughs. He sticks them in the ball machine and gives Evan and Zoe one. He had four of them anyway.

 

**_________**

 

 “So why are you guys shopping for prom a month early?” Connor looks back and forth between the couple and Evan grins a little. Zoe takes a sip of her chai latte from Starbucks and Evan shifts in his chair waiting to see if he should answer the question or Zoe.

 

 “Because all of it is out already and it's going to gone if we get anything a week before. You’re probably not even going to go. You don't have anyone to go with.” Zoe shoots him a look and Evan sinks in his chair a little with the sudden tension. They don't normally talk about Connor not dating anyone. Since the last time he did, he laid in bed for a week after the breakup. They broke up for no reason.

 

 “I don't really want to talk about not having a fucking date. But, damn. Maybe I’ll go this year? Tag along with Alana and her fun friends.” Since Connor is considered as one of Alana's closet acquaintances he thinks it will be okay to go with her. It would be fun. Zoe smiles for the millionth time. She seems to be in a good mood.

 

 “We haven't...Haven’t we gotten my suit yet? So if you want to look for one while we're there?” Evan gives Connor a look. The look is like Evan asking if it's okay for him to _look at Connor_. Connor nods slowly. Evan’s face relaxes somehow. Maybe it's the way his eyebrows were angled on his face. Like he was worried. Connor took a sip of his soda he had gotten from a gas station and shoved his hair behind his ear again.

 

 “Why don't you just put your up?” Zoe points to his hair and he shrugs.

 

 “It looks good down,” Evan says. Zoe looks at him for a second then back at Connor and she nods. Her face expression changes and she isn't smiling anymore. She looks down at her drink and twirls the straw around. Connor busy his lower lips and Evan mumbles an apology.

 

 “So, you guys wanna go now or?” Connor shrugs and Evan nods.

 

**__________**

 

 It had been a few days since they had all gone off the prom shopping thing. Connor didn't even know what to call it because it wasn't really hanging out. But when he heard a knock on the door, assuming Cynthia was home to answer it. She wasn't. He groans and walks downstairs when he hears the knock again.

Evan is standing in the doorstep with his normal uneased expression. He tries to smile at Connor but he fails to make it look normal, it looks tooth cracking. “Zoe’s upstairs.” Evan nods and goes around Connor quickly. Almost running up the stairs. Connor walks into the kitchen and gets a snack sitting down at the bar.

 

Of course, Cynthia wasn't home. She was probably out getting more gross vegan food or at yoga class. Only God knows where Larry really is. He might be at work or out with his friends. He runs his hand up his forearm and signs softly. Connor can hear Zoe saying something to Evan. But Evan comes running downstairs and behind him Alana.

 

 Connor stands up and walks out of the kitchen and Alana smiles at him sadly and waves. “I’ll drive you home if you want, Evan,” Alana says softly. Evan shuts his eyes tight then shakes his head. He looks like he's about to cry.

 

 “No, no. I’ll just walk. Because that’s–that's way better than being in a cramped up car.” Evan's face grows read as he talks. His voice sounds harsh and Zoe is standing at the bottom of the stairs with a freaked out expression. Connor walks over to her and tries to gain her attention. She looks up at Connor and her eyebrows knit. “Sorry. I have to leave. Like right now. I’m sorry.”

 

 “Look Evan–”

 

 “No, it's fine. You don't have to explain. I’m sorry.” Evan opens the door and walks out and Alana follows him. Connor looks back at Zoe and she starts to sob.

 

 “Holy shit, Zoe what happened?”

 

 “It's none of your damn business Connor! This your fucking fault anyway,” She snaps. Connor pulls his hand off her shoulder and feels the heat rise up his neck.

 

 “How the hell is this my fucking fault? I don't even know what the fuck just happened! God, stop being a bitch for once!” He throws his hands up and pushes his way past her. She begins to sob more her hands curling up around her face then she pulls them down next to her waist.

 

 “It's because you let Evan in dumbass! He walked in on me and Alana kissing. I was going to tell him after prom, then…” She trails of her voice becoming more hushed. Connor looks at her for a second. His eyebrows knit and he puts his hands in his sweatshirt pockets.

 

 “That's fucked up Zo.” He sits down in a step and she plops down next to him. She leans her head on his shoulder and signs. She doesn't say anything and neither does Connor. They sit in silence while Zoe still cries.

 

 Connor doesn't feel bad for Zoe. She brought this on herself. He pities Evan because Evan just seemed so happy with Zoe. Connor knows that Evan told Zoe so much also. Probably things he hadn't told even his mom. Because seems like someone you can trust. Connor runs his hands across the carpet stairs and picks at it while Zoe plays with a strain of her hair.

 

 Evan most likely isn't going to prom anymore.

 


	2. Outside at Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go crazy at the Murphy household, but Connor talks to some people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait. I was in Branson for a week and didn't have anything to publish with. Here's a long chapter, that I hope is good.

**“Anything to make you happy, anything at all.”**

**Rachel Bay Jones & Jennifer Laura Thompson**

**. . .**

  
Connor sat on his bed looking out the window. Today he felt like bricks. Today he was going to slip up and yell at someone. Today he wasn't in a good mood. Cynthia would ask what was wrong and he would respond that it wasn't her business and to fuck off. Zoe would pester him about it until he snapped and yelled at her, making her freak out.

 

The door opened slowly and Zoe stood there with a small smile, not knowing about Connor's bad mood. “Get up!” Her voice was rough like she had just woken up and her smile faded when Connor looked at her.

 

“Get the fuck out of my room,” He mumbles. He knows it came out harsh and he can see it on her face. Her eyes stay on Connor’s and her lips from a straight line.

 

“What’s so far up your ass?” This question makes Connor insane, he knits his eyebrows and stands up making Zoe flinch.

 

“Fuck off!” He stomps closer to her and his feet making the sound of an even drum. Zoe doesn't move she seems to be paralyzed in the same place. “I don't know why you have to be in my fucking shit all the time! It's not your problem.”

 

“You're a real dick you know that? I hope you kill me someday so mom will finally see how insane you are. Fuck you, Connor. I’m sorry for trying to be nice to you. For fucking trying to save you from yourself.” Connor’s lid flips and he stands there for a moment his chest rising and falling. Quickly. “I should of just let you kill yourself.” And Connor can't comprehend what she had just said.

  
  
Connor raises his hand and strikes her across the face. Her face is red and tears are streaming down. She runs downstairs wiping her eyes on the way down.

 

Connor stands at his doorway. Zoe downstairs heard talking to Cynthia, telling her that nothing happened. Cynthia thinks Connor is getting better. She thinks that Connor is just so full of joy. But really one day he’s fine, he’s breathing. But the next day he’s underwater trying to hold his breath so the water doesn't kill him and enter his lungs until he can't breathe at all. Sometimes he’s just so afraid to do so. He’s so used to being underwater, in the cold, dark, underwater that it more like home than anywhere else.

 

Home isn't the place he’s in right now. Home isn't anywhere really. Why should he just think that a place full of people that try to help but don't really care, is home? Connor rather sits in his room all day then sit downstairs with his mom and try to explain. Larry would say that being sad all the time is a decision. That making something out of nothing makes no sense to Larry.

 

Connor's alone in a world that says it understands, but it doesn't. It makes him so crazy that his parents gave up on him and move onto the next kid. Zoe is just so perfect and every time they try to get along it ends quickly with Connor freaking out. It's never too late to end all of it.

 

He makes his way down the stairs, his feet sounding as loud as his thoughts. When he makes it to the kitchen, it looks exactly like the first day of senior year. Zoe scrolling through her phone, her face still red. Larry looking at his phone and taking bites of cereal, and Cynthia sitting silently eating a muffin.

 

“Good morning Connor.” Connor says nothing and sits down. He takes a drink of milk. “Aren't you going to eat something? It's not good to go to school on an empty stomach,” Cynthia warns. Connor takes another drink of milk and keeps his eyes on the tablecloth. “You aren't dressed either.”

 

“Okay I get it! I’m not fucking perfect,” Connor yells. Cynthia stops and gives him a hard stare. Connor looks at her doing the same.

 

“Connor, please don't be rude.” Cynthia still has her high pitch annoy voice that Connor hates sometimes, oh so much. Connor rolls his eyes and Cynthia decides to drag Larry into the mix. Asking for his help.

 

Connor feels his shoulders tense when Larry says, “What do you want me to say? Look at him, he’s probably high.” Connor takes a deep breath hoping it would help just a little. It didn't.

 

“He’s definitely high.” Connor’s eyebrows knit at Zoe’s add-on. His eyes snap to her and he frowns.

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“Fuck you!”

 

“Zoe, please stop picking on your brother. I don't need that this morning,” Cynthia says rubbing her face. Connor stands up and puts his glass in the sink. Zoe sits still in her chair and Everyone is in an awkward silence. Zoe stands up finally, not finishing her cereal. She has her car keys in her hand and she looks at Connor for a second. A look of guilt on her face when she walks out. “Zoe wait for your brother.”

 

“Nah, he’s a prick. Bye, mom.” Zoe yells from the front door. Connor can hear the door open then close. Cynthia looks at him with curious eyes. Connor rolls his eyes then decides to leave like Zoe, but not say anything. Like Connor said. He’s a quiet person. He doesn't need to say anything. And he rather hears what people are saying.

 

Yes, he was prone to yell. That's just because if he’s in a bad mood people make it worse. Then he's yelling. It's not like he wants to yell at Zoe, he loves her. But Zoe. He’s not so sure. One day they're shopping together with her ex-boyfriend and the next Connor is slapping her. But this was the first time he slapped her. And he’s sure Zoe won't be looking at him normally for a little while.

 

The April wind blows on Connor’s face while he thinks about how much of a fuck up he is. How he just ruins everything and Zoe was so right at the same time. She should of let him kill himself. Everything Zoe has ever said about Connor that isn't good is true. Everything.

 

Connor finally makes it to school, the sound of feet squeaking and stomping being all too familiar. The sound of kids yelling back and forth from a different end of the hallway at their lockers. Connor thinks that fucking stupid, and they should just go to their locker. But no. They yell across the hallway.

 

Connor spots Zoe talking to kids from Jazz band (Alana stopped talking to her. She didn't tell Alana about Evan), and she has a smile on her face. It looks fake and broken. Connor knows he’s slowly dragging his sister in the water with him, but she would at least know how he feels. No, she won't. She says she knows, but she fucking doesn't.

 

“Connor? Are you okay? Do you need to go to the nurse?” Connor snaps out of his trance and looks at Alana. Her hair is pulled back like normal and she has a worried expression plastered on her face. She doesn't actually worry about anyone, she just wants to be seen as a good person. She's just selfish. Connor can see right through her.

 

“I’m fine,” He says bluntly. She nods and pulls something out of her sweater pocket. She looks at it for a second then hands it to Connor. “What it this?”

 

“It's my phone number. I was thinking you could join us–as us I mean me and Evan–for prom? You don't seem like someone to go to prom, but it would be fun! So, just shoot me a text or call me! So I know if you're going or not!” Her normal tooth breaking smile is back on her face and She’s backing away from Connor. Connor holds the small piece of paper in his pale hands. He looks at his nails, the paint is chipping away.

 

So, Evan is going with Alana? He might go then. But why is Evan going with Alana? Wouldn't Evan be mad at her? But Alana didn't know Zoe was dating Evan, so they both got cheated there. They probably talked about it, and Alana forced them to be friends over it. Poor Evan.

 

 

 

Connor made it to lunch. Sitting at one of the back tables, his hands in a book. His finder drags across the page while he skims the page. Reading Harry Potter for the sixth time is always fun. Somehow it gets better every time. He likes to reread the whole series and he’s on the second book. It takes him a day or two to read the first few books. The rest is too long to read in a day–

 

“Do you mind if I sit here?” Connor looks up to see Alana. He shrugs. He doesn't know why Alana is making such an effort to be friends with Connor. He feels bad for the girl, Connor has never really gotten along with anyone. Zoe has gotten close but he ruined it by screaming and her throwing a lamp at him afraid he was going to kill her. He wasn't.

 

Evan sits down next to Alana, he has a confused look on his face and his eyes dart to Connor's as soon as he sits down. He averts his eyes trying to get away from Connor’s cold glare. His eyes look at the next best thing. Connor’s book. “Oh, you um...you're reading Harry Potter?”

 

“Yeah it's like the sixth time I’ve read the series.”

 

Alana cuts in saying, “Me too! I’ve read it two times though. It's a good book series. Everyone knows that, but still, that doesn't take away its charm from it. It has its own amusement park!” Alana talks a lot. That’s the only thing Connor can think when he’s with her. Maybe she’s just doing it to try to get along with her. She has a better chance of making friends with a rock. Evan just nods and agrees while Alana rambles. Connor lets her, he can tell Evan doesn't talk much and he doesn't seem to like it either.

 

“I’ll be back in a little,” Connor mumbles. Alana nods and starts a new subject with Evan. Still talking about Harry Potter, but what house he’s in. Connor hears Evan utter Hufflepuff and he’s not surprised one bit. Connor goes out in the courtyard and pulls out a cigarette. He takes out his lighter, it's bright pink and Zoe jokes about it. Connor should stop thinking about Zoe.

 

“I thought weed was your thing?” Connor glances over to see Evan. He followed Connor outside. Connor shrugs and Evan sits down on the bench next to Connor.

 

“Why’d you follow me out, Hansen.” Connor blows smoke out of his mouth in clouds while he talks. Evan makes a weird face and shrugs. “I’m not that fucking dumb. I’m not going to bring weed to school then get my ass kick out of this hellhole.”

 

“Well...Well, you're dumb enough to bring cigarettes on campus. Wait–sorry. That was mean I’m so sorry.” Connor chuckles softly and Evan smiles. The kid’s smile is contagious. It could literally make Connor smile more, and that's really impressive. But it's not like Connor has one emotion.

 

“I was proud of you for being mean until you said sorry.” Evan cringes and Connor looks at him for a second. The gray sky makes Evan’s green eyes pop. And now that Zoe had broken up with Evan, Connor had finally let himself really look at the guy. “I’m just kidding, sorry I triggered you with something I’ve heard my sister say millions of times to you.” Evan laughs and one bubbles up Connor's throat.

 

It's been a hot minute since Connor had laughed really hard, and he’s sure if he watches how awkward is for a few more seconds he’ll be on the ground crying.

 

“What’s up with you hanging out with Alana? She fucking talks so much. And wouldn't you hate her?” Evan shifts and sits on one of his legs.

 

“She didn't know about–about me. And–So she was being cheated on...also? I don't know. She kinda just started talking...to me.” Evan looks uncomfortable. Connor took not and threw the bid of his cigarette on the ground then stomping on it with his new converse. A nice shade of yellow. Like the kind, you would see on Tumblr. Zoe made him get them since he only wears grey, black, and navy blue. “Um, I like your shoes.” So, Evan was looking at his shoes too.

 

“Thanks. Hey, Alana said you were going to prom-”

 

“Oh no, just um, as like friends. Pretty sure Alana is...I think, um gay?” Evan scratches the back of his neck then starts to play with him of his pullover sweater.

 

“Okay. Cool. Because she asked me to go with you guys. And I didn't want to the third wheel.”

 

“You're going?” Connor nods and Evan nods along. Connor bites his lip holding in a laugh at how awkward a conversation can get in seconds with Evan. How did she do it? The world will never know. But Evan snorts and Connor begins to laugh along, and hard. His chest starts to burn. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I'm fucking peachy.” Evan nods a small smile still curled up in his lips. Connor should stop looking at them.

 

 

 

  
Evan sits at the kitchen table with his mom, Heidi. She’s looking at her plate, it has a few bites of her so I left on it. She frowns and looks at Evan. Evan can feel her eyes on him while she plays with the hem of his shirt. “You’ve been quiet,” She states. Evan nods. “Not even going to tell how your day went?” She doesn't mean to sound rude saying this. She doesn't. Her voice is still dripping with honey.

 

“Nothing really happened, I guess.”

 

“You guess? What happened? Also, how’s the stressful life getting ready for prom?” Heidi had a small smile on her face that Evan couldn't see. He was looking down at his hands, rapping his fingers and unwrapping his fingers in the hem of his shirt. Evan takes a moment to answer.

 

“I don't know.” Heidi tries too hard to reach her son. She's just about to grab hold of him and hold onto him, but he just pushed farther away. She’s tried everything. The letters, the medication, the therapist. Everything just seems to not work for Evan. She's just so helpless.

 

“Okay. Well, Evan. I have to get going.” She stands up putting her dishes in the sink then kissing his head. “I love you.”

 

“Love you.” She smiles and walks out. Evan looks at the door for a little while after she leaves, he feels guilty. He knows she tries to know what's going on in his herican of a mind. He’s not sure if there is a person out there that can understand Evan’s mind. Plus, Heidi doesn't know him and Zoe broke up. She would get all worried about his health then take off work to help. But she can't. She has to take care of Evan.

 

Evan, a kid who overthinks everything before and after he says it. He has anxiety attacks in school bathrooms more often than he likes. He writes letters to himself–who does that? And in the end, he doesn't even have one short well thought out a letter. It’s a huge mess of what he can fit from his overthinking brain. Nothing good ever comes out of it.

 

It always ends up as him saying how he can't do anything right, which he still agrees with. He can't get a sentence out perfectly. He can't kill himself correctly. All the looking for the tallest tree in the park that he worked at and he came out with a headache and a broken arm.

 

Evan is a broken mess. And he hates to say so, but he always has something wrong with himself. The way his hair falls on his face, the color of his eyes, how clammy his hands get after worrying so much about one thing it's crazy. Like right now. His fork could just slip out of his hand because of how sweaty his hand is right now.

 

 **Mom:** _hey! Don't forget to write on of those letters to yourself! Love you!!_

 

Evan looks at his phone. He hadn't moved since his mom left. It wasn't very long ago, but it had to be ten minutes. He runs his hands through his hair and makes his way up the wooden stairs.

 

When he makes it to his small room, that still has glow stars on the ceiling from when he was little he sits down at the small desk and starts to write. It's all a blur.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a-okay day because you talked to people. That's cool. But then you still haven't told your own mom about breaking up with Zoe. Was it really a breakup? It just happened. You walked in on her kissing Alana, and Alana is mad at Zoe now for not telling her you were dating her! Also, it was going to happen anyway. Zoe is way out of your league, and you're always nervous. Even a rock wouldn't date you. She probably did it because of your damn sweaty hands. Gross._

_But self-pity isn't good right? You should feel bad for Alana! She didn't even know, so she was being led on? You should stop being so selfish._

_Sincerely, Your dearest and most closet friend_

  
Evan looks at the page for a little while. He should stop being selfish.

**__________**

[Alana V. started a group chat with Connor and EvanHansen!]

Alana:Yay! I started a prom group chat!

Connor: Yay

Connor: Prom isn't some big fucking deal.

Alana: It's a night to remember!

Evan: Isn't that for your wedding?

Connor: yeah. Alana, that's for weddings.

Alana: It could be used for a lot of things!

Connor: Like sex.

Evan: For the first time you have sex.

Connor: Evan isn't a virgin? What the fuck?

Connor: I don't want to know. Never the fuck mind.

Evan: I wasn't going to tell you?

Alana: Can we stop talking about sex? I made this to make plans for prom.

Alana: So, I was thinking we could meet up at Evan’s house? I could get ready there.

Evan: Yeah, I’ll just ask my mom.

Alana: Connor do you have a suit yet?

Connor: Yeah.

Evan: No.

Connor: Fuck you Evan. You snitch.

Alana: You can't just wear a sweatshirt and skinny jeans to prom.

Connor: No shit.

Alana: Evan and I can take you then!

Connor: When? Because i’m kinda doing something right now.

Alana: What?

Connor: I’m watching reruns of friends

Alana: Get dressed! I’m picking you two up in a half hour.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god. Evan and Connor talking? We have at least one normal conversation. 
> 
> Alana talking a lot? Yes.
> 
> Evan being quiet? Oops.
> 
> Connor being an asshole? Yep
> 
> Jared still not in the chapter? Next chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> That's a lot to unpack.


End file.
